The last few months have been such a whirlwind that I have hardly had time to stop and think about how I am feeling let alone blog about it! It has been nearly months since my last blog post and I have to admit, as difficult as it is to share how I am feeling, I have missed it!! There’s many reasons why I have struggled to blog over the last few months – life being the main contributing factor. But I have realised, especially considering the upcoming festival period so many families find difficult following baby loss (more on this in my next post), the importance of opening up about how I’m feeling.
I recently started back at university this year which has brought about its own ups and down’s, let along made it difficult for me to have any type of life! Prior to my starting, I was trying to catch up on some serious reading and I have been trying ever since! I never manage to feel as though I am ahead of the game which is a shame when you have reading lists that are 4 pages long.. The initial confirmation that I had been accepted to go back to Uni came as a bit of a shock to begin with – I applied with very little expectation of actually getting in. I completed my personal statement with minimal help, so I had no real idea of how well received (or written) it was and that doubt was only endorsed by the fact that I have been out of education for a while. Nonetheless, I got it done and sent off and thank heavens that I not only got into all the universities I wanted to but I am already one term down! #2 more to go.
Going back to Uni has put a bit of a strain on my ability to co-manage all my projects too. Rubén’s charity has been running a little slower than I would ideally like but with the holidays coming up and (a little) more time on my hands, the team and I have been making our plans for 2018. We decided to take the website offline for a while to give it a little re-vamp and the grand unveiling will mark the start of a fresh beginning. I have also recently started a new job which has its own challenges but I can honestly say that I don’t begrudge any of it.
Despite my chaotic schedule, I have reminded myself that it is paramount that I reserve some much needed time to blog as it is coming up to a very difficult time of year for me. Although all year long is difficult, the past few / next few months are even more so. I am obviously sad, remembering the time before our lives changed forever but I am also finding myself looking back and smiling. Even though I never got to meet my little boy, I somehow find comfort in knowing that he was here. Society, legislation, laws will all make you feel like your baby never existed – the absent birth or death certificate because you don’t fall into the ‘criteria’ of when life means enough to validate it with the appropriate paperwork. Somehow, despite the memories we have with him, I feel like my feelings right now are all the validation I need to know that not only did he exist but he was and still is so loved. October posed it’s own challenges as it was the two year anniversary of the day we found out we were pregnant ( – as you can see I make anniversaries out of any significant date!). And thus the new season of grief began which leads all the way up to Rubén’s birthday in January.
To deal with this turbulent time, I have found that being overwhelmed with work has not worked to my advantage. I imagined that the busier I was, the less I would think about the coming weeks. But in fact, I have found that I have been suppressing what I am truly feeling and I tend to have a big outburst of emotion in private. I was driving along in my car a few months ago and out of nowhere I had a panic attack – triggered simply by thinking about Rubén. by keeping my emotions in, I was doing more harm than good. So, I have made the consecutive decision – I say consecutive as if it is both an advantage an disadvantage but in relaity it is only an advantage for me!) – to start managing my work load more efficiently and that it is time to start making more time to blog again!
Here’s a few tips on how I am doing this that may be beneficial to you:
- Create a plan
- Now, I am a serial – planner. I make plans for plans. I actually enjoy planning more than I like doing. But there is a method to my madness. When I plan, I am not only organising what work I need to do but I am organising my thoughts to. And I include everything in my plan (see below) – including cleaning!!
- Remember to EAT!
- Once I have planned and I have planned and I actually start to do work, it is very easy for me to forget everything else around me – including to eat. So I started setting alarms on my phone to signify to me that I need to stop or it is time to eat etc. Not only is it important to eat anyway, but it is difficult to work efficiently when your under nourished, which in turn can mean you have to do more work in the long run to make up for it!
- Talk to your loved ones
- If I am starting to feel overwhelmed with my Uni workload I tend to talk to Paul and he is pretty good at giving me just the right encouragement I need. Similarly, if I am struggling with the Charity workload, which is more often than not as I am a bit of a control freak, I delegate the work – a phenomena that I have only recently embraced.
- Take time out
- This may seem like an obvious tip but can so often be overlooked. I used to feel guilty if I was sitting watching TV and I had a pile load of paperwork to work through so I would cut down on my time to relax and end up over working myself. So I am trying to be stricter with myself (not that it is that hard take a break anymore!) and take some time to just chill. Similarly, if you find yourself at the other end of the spectrum and you relax more than you work, that can also be counterproductive. It’s all in the balance people.
- Enjoy what you do
- Finally, my very top tip that I have saved for last – make sure that whatever you are doing you enjoy it. It may cause you stress, but when you enjoy it you know that it is worth it in the end. if you find yourself stressed over something you don’t or no longer enjoy, maybe it is time to consider whether you should be doing it anymore. This is really at the heart of everything that I do. Whether it is my decision to go back to Uni, the job that I do, my blog or my son’s charity – I do it all not only for Rubén but because I enjoy it. Maybe I enjoy it because it’s for him. Maybe it’s for him because I enjoy it. Maybe they go hand in hand.
Although the time for resolutions is still a few weeks away – I am going to try to honour my commitment to blogging at least once every 10 days. It may work against me and i may not be able to keep up but I’m hoping that by publicly exposing my intentions, it will encourage (or force) me to fulfil them! We’ll see how it goes!
Yan xo
4 Rubén 