Yesterday was a big day for me! I celebrated the 1 year anniversary of registration for my son’s charity ‘Remember Rubén’. It was a bit of a surreal moment and in all fairness, I hadn’t previously anticipated that I may or may not have felt any sort of way about it. To be frank, I was surprised the date had even crossed my mind. Generally before a ‘Rubén-centred anniversary’, I take a lot of time to reflect internally about how I am feeling, how my family may be feeling and what may be bothering me. But I didn’t do that this time round and I was struggling to understand why.
Granted, a week or two leading up to this date, I had become a little more quiet, a little more snappy and quite a bit more sluggish in my day to day life. Paul and I are travelling to Italy next week and I had poured the majority of my focus into organising that. For everything else in my life, (even the charity) I had become, in my mum’s words – ‘lazy’.
When it dawned upon me that it was leading up to the anniversary of Rubén’s charity becoming registered, I felt really disappointed. I had not achieved what I anticipated I would have in our first year.
The truth is, this charity shouldn’t even exist. I should have, in an ideal world, a beautiful little toddler running around my feet. I should be so exhausted, not from grief, but from the potential sleepless nights, constant attention and worry that he may hurt himself. I should be so busy with playdates, not work, study and charity. I should be so content with my perfect little family, not heartbroken at what’s left of it – the gaping hole that has been left in all our hearts that will never be filled.